I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
