Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
