Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
