I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
