Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
