will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
