You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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