I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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