he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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