dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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