My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
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