so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
