i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
