Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
