i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
