The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
