Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
