ya dads aren't the best wingmen
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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