Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
