I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
