morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize