Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
