last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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