Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
