I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
