took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
