In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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