I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
