How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
