i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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