his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
