this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
