I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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