ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
