um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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