I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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