soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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