so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
