She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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