Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
