I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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