I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
