Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
