I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
