I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
