Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Couch. On fire.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
