i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
