just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
