just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
