Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
