How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
