The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
