You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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