She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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