I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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