Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
