I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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