smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
And then he peed in my hair
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
