tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
