This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
