I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
